Weak
Sitting in the back of my closet
Hot tears of self pity streaming
Down my face and
I wonder to myself how anyone
Could rape anyone as ugly as I am.
I don't even know if I was ugly before,
It all started so long ago I guess
I never had a chance to know.
Everything I learned taught me
To just hate myself more and I was
Such a good student of life.
I learned and learned and
Hated and hate, and
I'm so far gone I don't know where to begin.
Every time I try to get angry I
Get more pathetic and weak I
Keep wondering when I'll just fall down
Into the black of my fear and shame
Telling myself, 'it's no wonder,
Just look at you.'
All I can do is act . . .

Well?
When you say how
'Well' I am you
Seem so 'proud' of me.
I always craved that.
Wanting to be prized . . .
But somehow not a prize.
But you do
Understand . . .
That this mask,
It comes off.
I wonder . . .
What will your
Dark eyes tell me,
When I'm holding
My head and begging
The voices to stop?

What's In A Gargoyle?
You're just a phase I will outgrow once I get everything I want.
As my life and my mood brighten and my home bears more scrutiny
With life's cycle of experience, I'm sure the things around me
Will reflect that like a summer pond at dawn's awakening,
Shiny and sparkling and sincerely showing who I have become.
With opulence appropriate to where I am heading.
And you, gray gothic gargoyle, firm familiar, will be put away.
A comfort now next to me, you dangle your feet like the child you'll always be,
Carved from stone, as you started,
Carved from stone you will stay; eyes forward, not faltering
One foot hooked across the other, thumb safely in mouth.
My own likeness carved from unchanging stone, an anchor in
The chaos that has been my life, loves, longings; my lessons.
A comfort since I opened the box sent parcel post, for what
Good reason, I don't recall, but there at my door with a label
In a hand I both recognized and recoiled from, the hand of the
Person who knew me the least, loved me the least,
Affected me the least; a distant woman I had known all my life.
The one they'd said was guaranteed to love me faithfully.
The one who let me down, let me drown, let me frown.
Another meaningless gift that has no more to do with
Me than the fleeting thought that prompted its purchase
During a loosening of the purse-strings.
So shocking the surprise that swept over me when
I saw the sweet face and the graceful curve of wings
That seemed to protect her body, bold eyes boring
Into my soul with a message from that foreign Woman
Who sent her to bring me a missive of elusive love.
A hint at what I had craved through the years;
A glimpse of the understanding, recognition, affection
I had longed for from my mother, the one who never told.
As I grow more firm in my own self knowledge, I need less and
Less affirmation from outside influences, incidents, inflections.
I will be able to distance myself from my objets d'art,
They will become mere ornaments, rather than all
Important, all too potent talisman's of my worth in the
Eyes of those around me friends and family who should tell me.
But how to explain to you the real reason, when the time comes,
You are just a phase I will outgrow once I get everything I want.

When I Get To My Happy Place
Salt air in my lungs,
Your skin on my neck,
Screech of lazy birds . . .
Give me that warm feeling.
My pulse slows to
A rate I can live with sleep with deal with.
My teeth are dry from
Smiling so hard and
I break free from my clothes
And I'm running down
The smooth wood planks
Then I sink in hot sand,
My toes disappear and
I am still running.
Salt mist on my lips
And in my eyes and
The water is so cold
My soul shrivels up.
My pulse is still slowed
To a rate I can play with love with laugh with.
I free fall into the low waves
They carry me out to bliss
With salt in my mouth
And eyes, nose and blood.
Sweet oblivion, the tide.
I set my fears free
Let go the hate and anger
The sea can take it
I've no more need of it.
My pulse has slowed
To a rate I can smile with run with stay with.

Who do you think you are?
You are the only person you ever need answer to.
you alone are responsible for your actions and reactions
you are only indebted to you
you are the most important person you will ever meet
you are obligated to do what is right for you
you are the only one who can control your emotions
you are the only one who can really get inside your head

who is molly?
we met ten years ago.
a small college that would have preferred we never met.
we chased away our roommates.
through little fault of our own.
we threw parties.
we spun myths.
her family took me in when mine let me down.
she waited patiently while i punished myself.
for years she watched and didn't judge.
or nag
or question, unless someone was bleeding.
we never fought.
she borrowed my clothes.
and let me borrow hers, even though i was fat.
she traveled in similar circles years after i'd left them.
She found new value in old friends.
she gave the benefit of a doubt.
she broke down her own walls.
she did everything herself.
everything she put her mind to.
i asked myself repeatedly,
"What would Molly do right now?"
we've been called lovers
we've been called sisters
we've been called devils
and we are none of these things
what we are cannot be said.
or analyzed.
we are unconditional.
we are unrelenting.
we are unstoppable.
and together, we are super heroes.

there was the night that we asked the bouncer at a club if we could punch a guy for touching us.

he said "sure"

there was the time we told our fellow students we drove my mom's microbus to the bahamas.

we made the argument that vw's are airtight.

there was the time that guy thought we ganged up on him and totally freaked out.

okay, that has happened a few times.

i always held my molly stories as my best.
then i moved here.
beatnik helped me get some new stories.
and then i made a few of my own.
and i'm pretty sure that when we combine us, and las vegas some wonderful stuff is going to go down.

i know that it will never be boring.
we are never boring.
we are catalysts.
we are triggers and buttons.
events follow us like a wake.
or like the crowd after a parade.
bewildered and awed, following blindly for a few more minutes to prolong the feeling.

molly is one half of that.
she is moving here, to vegas.
she is moving in with doc and i.
i've got the second bedroom cleared and nearly ready.
i leave in nine days.
i fly to pittsburgh in long sleeves.
i say goodbye to mom (molly's).
we pack her car.
then we drive back.
then she stays.
she doesn't leave after three days or a week.
not like it's been for 6 years.
she stays forever.
viva las vegas.
if i had moved to cinncinati, she'd never have come.
she is the only person i could share all i have with.
except courtney love.
but she dislikes ms. love.
she likes cheesy 80's music.
she is an artist and designer.
she actually uses her college degree.
she loves her family.
and is close to them.
she is good with finances.
in fact, she has all of the practicality i lack.
she makes me want to behave.
she makes it easy to maintain my balance.
doc says he feels like a single parent who's finally making enough to hire a nanny.

she is the daria to my jane
the jane to my daria
she's just some chick who listens to cool music
and can see through most bullshit
she's my best friend
she's an example to everyone who meets her
her bravery is not a front
and she's never rude to those she doesn't like.
she just won't bother.

words words words
so many pretty words
i want to give to you
but after the way i behaved
this morning, they won't mean
a whole lot at all
can we start with
i'm sorry and move
hurriedly on to
i love you then pause
for a big sloppy kiss
that i'm sure we both
need from each other
all these things to say
and i say it fast because
i know your attention is
limited but all the things
you crave will be said
let's begin with
i trust you, so believe
what my smile says
i miss you terrible when
we fight like this
i am so very sorry
for putting us through
all this again and again
let me just say
you're the greatest
of all the people i've met
i can't see life without you
you are my best friend
and the best lover i will
ever be pleasured by
how could i push you away
and still mean it?
you know i'm not that crazy.

Wrap Around
Blow through the door every evening
Not as late as it could be,
I've got it pretty good.
Can't wait to get my boots off;
Like to think they become one
With my merely mortal feet.
Mind on a hot shower,
At this hour the smell of food
Is just too much, must get clean.
I love what I do what I love,
Won't have it any other way.
Peel off damp socks and jeans.
Can't believe how much stink
A little thing like me can give off.
Green apple soap soothes and baptizes
Until I feel myself emerge
From the layer of stench I wear.
Finally clean and free at last,
I bust in a cloud of steam
Grinning like a loon in a summer storm.
I give what I have what I want
Won't have it any other way.
Then I see my machine sitting
Waiting for me to pay some attention;
Contentedly I sit down to play.
I take out my shield, the
One that protects me from the
Electronic masses waiting to prey.
Though I love my new medium,
I practice safe computing there
And let no one know really.
I am who I am not what you see.
Got too tired every other way.